Back in The Spiz or Nothing can vanquish the tulle

I am back in the Spiz for one night only, sleeping on "my" mattress in "Nicholas's" studio. I can't tell you how strange and surreal this whole thing is. It's just emptiness up here. I am in Nicholas's room and feel none of his energy. This place is so new besides that it has none of its own energy yet-- nothing has stuck. It's very eerie. I guess when I left this place a couple weeks ago, I really left it, physically and emotionally, and now coming back-- it just feels like there shouldn't be anything to come back to or something. And there isn't, but there is, also. It's kind of like seeing the dead body of someone you used to know.

There is some testimony to our presence here. I took a shower in "Derya's" bathroom (as it was the only one with a shower curtain) and I tracked out a fragment of hot pink tulle on my soaked heel. Hers is the only apartment that has been thoroughly cleaned, I believe, but no amount of scrubbing can vanquish the tulle. The cardboard telephone that Nicholas made for the Cannon's show is sitting on his counter (off the hook) and Arin, the guy staying temporarily in Derya's apartment swears that Rachel's apartment "smells like a woman lived there." Somewhat ironically, "my" apartment is locked. I did want to go in there, and it feels strange to be locked out of it, and somewhat fitting, but it's ok. These rooms feel equally sterile at this point.

One strange thing though: Hub-Bub has a smell. It smells like newness, like fresh paint and expectations. I smelled it when I first moved in and for the first week I lived here, in this building, all alone. It characterized my first few weeks here, my first impressions, my first feelings, the excitement of escape from New York and of this new place. I did not smell it once I became accustomed to this place, once it became home, a place to deal with and sort, and I completely forgot about it after that. But coming back here, the smell is new again and it brings all the same feelings and impressions of last summer, as this summer begins anew and I am similarly displaced, embarking on a new and unfamiliar route.

I miss you guys, I really do.